Order in our lives gives us access to the presents that are available to us now. When all our clothes are in a heap, including dirty and clean, give-away and keep, it's difficult to reach for that one cherished top that'll give us warmth and coziness on a cool gray morning. Likewise, when there's chaos in our family lines, it's difficult to reach for what and who we love. It's difficult to be who we are, know our place, and feel like we belong.
When it comes to our families, we can't see the disarray like we see a pile of clothes on the bathroom floor. But, we feel it. We feel somehow stuck in life. We may become ill or experience unexplainable symptoms. We may feel burdened but can't seem to find the source. We struggle to move forward. Struggle to fully experience peace. Struggle to find fulfillment in our careers and have intimate and loving relationships.
Maybe we are subconsciously standing in the place of our grandmother, trying to parent our father or mother. Maybe we are entangled with a deeply loved great aunt or uncle and without realizing it, we are living out their fate and not our own. Or maybe we are unintentionally continuing to exclude a great grandparent who died at a young age or a past lover or a family member who was shunned for having an addiction or a mental illness.
Order comes when we acknowledge each one's rightful place. Then love and immense strength from our ancestors, including all the lessons learned in their struggles and successes, can flow to us abundantly. We start to feel like we belong. We feel empowered to create, love, and thrive. We find it easier to understand each other and get along. This is true for our families as well as our nation and our world.
While every moment is an opportunity to connect with our ancestors, the mysterious threshold of October to November -- with Diwali, Halloween, All Saints, Samhain, and Day of the Dead -- is a special one. Maybe today or around the elections or during the upcoming holidays, you'll find yourself moved to honor those who passed life on to you by giving them a place in your heart and receiving their gifts.
Or perhaps you'll join me for a Family Constellation Online Workshop. After a year and a half of training and dozens of individual sessions, I'm delighted to share my first group family constellations for connecting with our ancestors, asking for healing of any issue we're experiencing in life, and opening ourselves up to a greater flow of love and strength. Details below.
PERSONAL PRACTICE FOR HONORING THE ANCESTORS:
Breathe into your wise heart, the heart of who you are, the expansive heart that knows only love and has no limits. Invite your ancestors in. You may do this silently or with a song, by placing a candle or photo in your home, imagining them with you, or offering them a prayer for peace. If it's already in your tradition to connect with your ancestors, perhaps this time you'd like to dedicate your practice to someone who has been forgotten, misrepresented, or misunderstood.
The energy of autumn inspires a slowing down. Tiny measures help, like tweaking a schedule to allow 5 more minutes to transition with greater ease, 3 more minutes to breathe, 1 more minute to just be.
The stretch of autumn is like a long walk into the darkness of winter. As we slow down, we prepare. Every step invites a deeper surrender to the unknown, a humble release into the mystery, and a reverent bow to Greater Forces.
These steps are necessary for the deep rest of winter. But even more importantly, they may be exactly what we need right now.
What do you need right now? Sometimes we feel like we can't slow down. Other times, we might feel like we've slowed down so much, it's almost impossible to get going again. If you want to talk about it, reach out.
Missed the Autumn Meditative Card Night on the equinox? The beautiful autumnal meditation and insightful oracle card reading is now available as 2-part video recording for season-long support.
When intense feelings show up, they’re almost always linked to previous moments in our lives. If we trace the emotion and its accompanying sensations to one of its earliest instances, we’re likely to find a part of ourselves that was overwhelmed. When we consciously tend to this part, we find greater comfort and ease.
Let’s say we’re facing a new project or big meeting, and we feel intense dread or a tight knot of anxiety in our belly. We may recall that we felt similarly on the first day of second grade or maybe kindergarten. It was so overwhelming that a part of ourselves withdrew inwards or closed off.
Since then, every time we encounter a “first day” or new group of people, the same dread shows up. It’s as though that childhood memory is in a bubble, suspended in time, woven into the fabric of our muscle and tissue and bone.
How do we release it?
We can get grounded in ourselves as the adult we are today, the one who lived past kindergarten or high school or whatever time period holds that tension. With the strength of having lived past it, our adult selves present the company and comfort that our child selves needed then.
We may speak to this child part and say, “I’m here. You’re not alone any more. I see how difficult this is for you. What do you need?” With a touch of creativity and lots of heartfelt intention, we envision ourselves offering that needed gesture, that needed solution, that needed care.
The body might shake, tears might come, or a big exhale. This releases the charge that the feeling has gathered in us all this time. When our attention returns to the current-day challenge, we meet it with a greater sense of inner wholeness that often gives us just what we need to overcome it.
Learn how to tend to your inner child with a private session. Schedule a free Strategy Session to discuss.
The autonomic nervous system is your body's defense network in charge of keeping you safe from harm. It's an intricate mechanism that directly engages your brain, digestion, muscles, sensory organs, and heart to either stay present and reach for support (ventral vagal state), fight or flee (sympathetic state), or shut down and play dead (dorsal vagal state).
While we no longer live in the wild and don't typically come face to face with a hungry lion or an avalanche, modern life presents its version of threat ranging from the more blatant, like war, robbery, rape, and abuse, to the more subtle, like thoughts of failure and loss of livelihood, anxiety over contracting a virus, and fear of being alone in the world.
What constitutes a threat to our evolved nervous system is subjective. The same thing that triggers one person and floods their body with the impulse, hormones, and energy to run away may make you take a deep breath and try another tactic. And, the same thing that makes you shut down completely and find no words to say at all may make someone else reach out to a friend and communicate more explicitly how s/he feels.
Changing Reactions To Carefully Chosen Responses
Mechanically speaking, we all have the same nervous system and that seems to be unchangeable. However, we can influence what we perceive as a threat and how quickly we cycle through the phases of freeze, fight or flight, and return to safety and connection. This is where we find the key to regulating our own nervous system.
By becoming aware of how our nervous system automatically reacts, we begin to organically make room for new and conscious responses that better fit who we are and the kind of friend/parent/partner/colleague/person we wish to be.
Getting stuck in “freeze mode”, lingering in “fight”, or perpetually cycling through “flight” takes a toll on our health, impacts our sleep, puts a strain on our relationships, significantly decreases our productivity at work, and renders us less present for the warmth of connection and the joys of life. But all hope isn't lost!
The Polyvagal Theory and Deb Dana's work with integrating the science of the nervous system in therapeutic modalities has shown that when we learn to recognize these nervous system modes within ourselves, we can apply techniques that match how our own nervous system reacts in order to shorten the length of freeze, get out of fight or flight quicker, and reach for deeper connections and calm more safely and more often.
Knowing the universal biology behind how we think, feel, and respond to perceived threats reduces the shame from thinking that there is something wrong with us and feeling like we're all alone in it. It frees us from being hijacked by our own nervous system and gives us the opportunity and strength to direct our own lives.
Learn how to move towards more calm in the all new Regulate Your Nervous System Course.
Family Constellations, developed by Bert Hellinger, help you with a recent concern or longstanding pattern regarding your health, career, success, romance, family life, or happiness by looking at possible hidden family and ancestral dynamics that hold the key to relief, resolution, and contentment.
Maybe you feel like you end up with jobs that don't quite suit you or relationships that aren't completely fulfilling. Or perhaps you're dealing with a health issue that seems to show up out of nowhere, or losses that have made you feel drained and ill-equipped to face life.
While these issues may not seem directly related to our family of origin, when we look at them through the Family Constellation lens, we often reveal unconscious familial and trans-generational entanglements or burdens we're carrying for others.
We then make healing shifts to put things back in order, find our rightful place, and free up the strength to live life more fully.
Family Constellation Individual Sessions online offer a safe and private setting for a powerful healing shift around any issue and especially tough, unexplainable, maybe embarrassing or secretive circumstances that you want handled with utmost care.
These sessions are a one-time intervention that keeps evolving in you for the following 6 - 18 months. Are you ready?
Learn more about Family Constellations Individual Sessions with Shira.
We've arrived at the point in the summer optimal for just being.
For many of us, a calm, peaceful state where life flows easily is something we yearn for but do not know how to maintain.
That's because just being correlates with a part of our nervous system that can feel out of reach when we've experienced trauma and stress.
Locating a safe kind of just being that works for you stretches your Ventral Vagal State and its capacity for more. We can teach ourselves how to intentionally unwind, rest, chill, and enjoy the moment.
Consider then, what kind of just being feels safe, accessible, and replenishing for you now?
May you find relaxation this summer and just be, at least for a while,
P.S. Want to learn how to cultivate your Ventral Vagal capacity and access relaxation more easily? Schedule a free Strategy Session now or reply to this email.
P.P.S. In-person and virtual sessions continue regularly throughout the summer, except for the week of August 7-14 in which I will be practicing my own just being. Schedule your session @ https://bit.ly/3HsCEfi.
When overwhelm happens, we have a tendency to pull away from connection in order to protect our tender hearts. It’s a reaction programmed into our autonomic nervous system, not unlike pulling our hand away from a hot stove.
My heart knows this disconnection reflex well. At the first sign of "too much," it beats loudly in my right ear and then contracts physically and emotionally. After that, it's a quick drop down the nervous system ladder to a dorsal vagal autonomic experience, best known as the freeze response.
Work emails go unanswered. Friends' prompts to meet up unreturned. It’s harder to hear or speak. Harder to decide anything. And the vibrant part of me that shines my light retreats to the background, out of reach.
It may go on for moments, hours, or on-and-off for several days, months, or years.
I had grown so accustomed to the automaticity of freeze in my nervous system that I was actually shocked to discover that I absolutely adore connection.
I love connecting with birds, breezes, and the warm sun on my face. I love connecting with the sound of my father’s voice and my mom’s colorful emojis. I Iove connecting with you in these newsletters and in sessions when we talk about some of the hardest stuff in life. And I absolutely love connecting my heart with yours in awe of our shared human tenderness.
If it was safe enough to connect, what would your heart love to connect with?
That “hot stove” can take on any form, like news about acts of violence, a post about recession, or the barking of a neighbor’s dog. In reaction, we may pull away from life, loved ones, and our own selves. But we can also come back. We can come back into connection, following the nature of our hearts, and reach out for life again. And again. And again.
A RECIPE FOR RETURNING TO CONNECTION:
As summer, which is the season of the heart, arrives, how can you honor your own reflexes of disconnection and connection? Here are some ideas.
May your heart know safe connection and shine brightly with your light,
P.S. Want to learn how to recognize your patterns of disconnection and return to connection quicker and easier each time? Let's study your nervous system together in the safety of one-on-one sessions. Info @ https://bit.ly/35aVFpv. Not sure? Email me.
As we move towards a goal in life, there comes a moment when we are so deeply immersed in the journey that we can no longer see where we began, cannot yet see where we’re headed, and don’t really know where we are.
This is the “thick of it” point. It can be very chaotic. Messy. Incredibly uncomfortable. Painful, even. And weird. Just plain weird.
In my mind’s eye, this point on the journey looks like trekking through thick grass. It’s lush green and tall. The aroma is fresh but also cloying. It’s hard to step through the shoots, and there is zero visibility all around.
Sadness may come in very strongly at this moment. Frustration too. Sadness helps us see what we are releasing as we reach for something new. Frustration tells us that we are growing out of a familiar past and have not yet arrived at a new normal.
On a leg of the journey without a clear view of start or finish, these emotions are good sign posts. While the mind reads them as wrong, off, or abnormal, on the emotional landscape map they’re good indicators that we’re well on our way.
May determination guide you through the blinding thick of it,
P.S. Finding yourself in the thick of it and not quite sure how to proceed? Let's tend to it together in a virtual or in-person session. Schedule yours @ shiraozsinai.com/sessions.
How do we move from fear to joy? With so much happening in our world, navigating our inner emotional landscape is a vital skill. Thankfully, the flow of the seasons, as well as the nervous system Polyvagal Theory, map a clear pathway: to move out of the wintry freeze of fear, we must spring into action and reach for the warm summery expansion of joy.
FIRST, we become aware of our fear and then acknowledge it. When I notice that some part of me is feeling frightened, I may speak to it and say: “I see you. I see that you’re scared, that you’re feeling paralyzed and tense. I also see how hard it is for you to experience all of this fear.”
This warm expression of compassion begins to melt away the freeze in the body and, along with it, the feelings of being alone and separate. It’s both helpful in the moment, and also creates an opening for an ongoing dialogue with fear. One of the best questions to ask is, “What do you need?”
SECOND, when fear engages our autonomic nervous system’s freeze response, we need to spring into action in order to reach joy. Unfortunately, we've all seen adaptive yet unhealthy examples of springing into action which have dampened our instinct to do so. Just in the last month, we’ve witnessed Russia’s war charge on the Ukraine and Will Smith slapping Chris Rock.
But springing into action does not necessitate violence. It does, however, require movement -- the hallmark of spring. It might be moving the head from side to side, deepening the breath, or gently stretching the body. Perhaps it’s what fear has told you it needs, like a hug, a slow walk outside, or a little dance to a favorite song.
THIRD, we pull the specific resources that make us feel safe and supported close, like phoning a friend or relative, journaling, or reconnecting with nature in some way. This stretches our ventral vagal capacity, the aspect of the nervous system that enables us to respond from a calm and centered place. Joy may show up subtly at first, like a softening or a warming, and will keep expanding as we return again and again to heartfelt connection.
May you befriend fear, spring into action, and experience the joy of being,
P.S. Any one of these stages may require more attention, practice, and support. Check out the new series for regulating your nervous system @ https://bit.ly/35aVFpv or book a free call to learn more @ shiraozsinai.com/strategy-session.
The winds of change are blowing yet again. They're gathering up the debris, that which has been loosened up and unfastened, shed or cut down.
The winds corral it all into corners, lift it up into the air for one last dance, and set it down in a new place, no longer where or what it used to be.
When the wind has diligently cleared a new space and "what was" has been given a place, the yearning-wishing-praying that has been waiting for a season builds up hope.
"Maybe now... Maybe today... Maybe it's my time.... To rise up... To come into expression... To become who I am."
What are the winds of change carrying away for you? What are they bringing close? Who or what is it that you are becoming?
A POWERFUL SPRING CLEANING:
May the winds of change prepare you for a good adventure,
I am an acupressurist, educator, and practitioner of complementary medicine. My background in literature, teaching, and Yoga Nidra informs my wellness practice. My approach is personalized and holistic, tailored to each individual's unique needs and goals.